Four Ways to Become a Great Mother-in-law

When my daughter got married I thought about buying her husband a book of mother-in-law jokes. After all, whenever you hear someone say "mother-in-law" you expect it to be accompanied with a loud groan. No, we don't have a good reputation in our culture, and probably for good reason. However, if you're a mother-in-law, or expect to be one someday, here are a few tips that might help you win the war against our common stereotype.

Be a Cheerleader.

Mom Joke

I think I have a terrific son-in-law and I tell people so. I'll let my co-workers, friends and family know how proud I am of David. I'll talk about how kind he is to my daughter and what a wizard he is as a business owner. One day I realized, though, that I wasn't telling Dave these things personally nearly enough. There's an old saying that goes, "If something is laudable, make sure it is audible". Now I make a conscious effort to tell him how wonderful I think he is, and how proud I am to have him as a son-in-law. We all know children need praise, but sometimes we forget that grown children still need to hear those good thoughts we have about them. It's even doubly important when you've married into a family. As a mother-in-law you have a great opportunity to be pick up your pom-poms and be captain of cheerleading for your family.

Be Switzerland.

"I don't know how you can put up with him. My son is such an idiot!" Honestly, those words are toned down from the actual ones I know one mother used when talking to her daughter-in-law. The marriage was on shaky ground anyway, at least in the daughter-in-law's eyes, and hearing such a venomous attack from her husband's own mother didn't help things. In fact within six months the wife had left and filed for divorced. "Really, my mother-in-law did have an influence on my decision to leave," the former wife told me. "When you hear a mother run down her own child like that, it really makes you think." I'm not saying that some couples shouldn't divorce - and certainly if there's poor treatment of either person in a marriage then someone is obligated to speak up. But as mothers-in-law we have to remember that we do have power to influence the young married couples in our family. If any of my children go through a divorce someday, I really want to make sure that my words weren't the tipping point on such a major life decision. If one of your grown children or their spouse come to you with complaints about the other, use caution, wisdom and prayer and do everything you can to be a positive voice, even in difficult times.

Make Listening an Art Form.

One thing I've noticed as my children have grown older is that they may not need me physically like they did when they were young, but they seem to need me even more emotionally and spiritually. I've spent many hours listening to stories of heartaches and struggles, and tried to offer words that would help soothe away tears. Mary Alice is about 20 years my elder and someone who has become my adopted mom as well as my friend. Mary is an exquisite listener. Whether on the phone or in person, when you talk to her you feel as though she is leaning in to listen closely to what you are saying. Often when you're done speaking about something she'll say, "Now this is what I think I heard you saying . . .", so she can be sure she understood you perfectly. Mary Alice practices "mindful availability", making sure her focus stays centered on the person talking and actively listening to what they say. In other words, Mary is the listening kind of mother we all want in our lives - someone whose concern is shown by the deep attention they give when you talk about your hopes, dreams and fears. When a person listens wholeheartedly, as my mom-friend does, you know they truly care about you, and that can bring much comfort and joy into your life. As a mother-in-law we have the opportunity to be both mother and friend to our children's spouses, and practicing the art of listening will help nurture that special kind of relationship.

Wear Rose Colored Glasses.

Niceness doesn't come naturally to me. In fact, there are too many times when my natural tendency is to look at the negative side of things, or to pick people's traits and habits apart and find them lacking. And for some stupid reason, I sometimes think it would be good to share my negative observations with others. I remember saying something critical once about a person one of my sons adored and immediately saw the look of stress and dejection in his face. Seeing his look gave me pause and made me reflect on the words that came out of my mouth. Yes, the girl might have a flaw or two, but I thought back to when I was young and I had her beat by a mile in the Have-a-Lot-to-Learn category. My focus on a small negative trait served no purpose at all. My father would have been disappointed that I had overlooked what he said to me a thousand times growing up - "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". We all have our quirks and idiosyncrasies. It's easy to overlook them in ourselves and our own children. There's absolutely no benefit in seeing others in a negative light, much less sharing those thoughts. Negativity can be addictive, and so now I always try to replace critical thoughts with several positive ones. Wearing rose-colored glasses can feel quite strange at first, but they're so worth wearing, especially for mothers-in-law.

My Goal.

One evening I was talking with a man at a Boy Scout meeting who mentioned he was going over to his mother-in-law's house the next day to do some repair work. I asked him if he minded the extra work. "Oh no!" was his quick answer. "I love my mother-in-law. She's just a wonderful person." What a blessing it would be if one day my own children's spouses thought so highly of me. Wouldn't it be nice to dispel all those old mother-in-law jokes, and have a son or daughter-in-law that bragged about how lucky they are to have you in their life? With our hearts in the right place and some practice of positive traits, I have no doubt we all can.

Four Ways to Become a Great Mother-in-law

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Mother-in-Law Woes - How to Make Amends With His Mom

There's another woman on the scene.

Your mother-in-law...You bonded with her instantly; the two of you now do everything together - just like true mother and daughter. You are close. You respect each other. You share intimate secrets and confidences as if you've been best friends for years...

Mom Joke

Um, yeah right.

Now for the reality check. While it's possible for a woman to bond instantly with her future mother-in-law, the relationship is often a tad rockier. Let's face it - you may have little in common beyond your love for the same man. You are two individual women, essentially strangers, yet expected to hit-it-off instantaneously. Hmmm, and the last time that happened was...

OK - so you started out on the wrong foot. Relax; you're not necessarily doomed to a life of mother-in-law misery. If you're having issues, consider what behavioral characteristics or instances are at the root of the trouble, then work to find solutions.

Could it be me?

Before you start playing the blame game, assess yourself. If you take time to self reflect, chances are, you'll realize your behavior may not always be exemplary. Remember the time you persuaded your man to leave mother's day brunch a little early because you were tired from a late evening the night before? The stereotype is of the possessive, manipulative mother and the sweet, angelic bride-to-be. But that very same sweet bride to be isn't always so innocent. I'm not saying you're solely to blame. But at least be intelligent and grown-up enough to consider how your actions may have affected the relationship.

Know Her...Really Know Her

One of the main problems with the mother/daughter-in-law relationship is that neither woman really sees the other as a whole person. Each is understood in the simplest of terms - "my fiance's mother" or "my son's wife." But who is this woman? What was she like before she became a mother? What was her wedding like? Ask these questions and listen to their answers - just as you would with any other woman with whom you hope to develop a friendship. She will appreciate your interest, and these intimate "getting to know each other" conversations will lay the foundation for a relationship built on mutual understanding and respect.

Involve Her in the Wedding

Perhaps the plotting, meddling and manipulative behavior of the mother-in-law stereotype is born from frustration of relegation to the sidelines of wedding planning. Traditionally, she plans the rehearsal dinner and dances with her son - and that' s where her duties and more importantly - her input - ends. Nip this in the bud by inviting her into the dialogue from the beginning. You don't have to let her plan your wedding, but at least involve her in the discussion. Make her feel included, and listen to her opinions - really listen to them. If she feels informed and involved throughout the wedding planning process, she'll understand when you don't necessarily comply with her every idea.

Enter Groom

If your honest attempts to form a positive relationship can't eliminate the friction, and the dialogue between you remains strained - consider enlisting your man. I say this with caution because you should avoid at all costs turning him into a referee. That said, the groom can help pave rocky roads with expressed opinions that (should be) respected by both his mother and his future wife. What you may not be able to say to your future mother-in-law without a potential backlash, perhaps your fiance can discuss with her to better results. Combining loyalty to his wife with respect for his parents - the groom can help create diplomatic compromises.

Be Realistic

So you're not going to be the best of friends right away - that's ok. As with any relationship with another woman, it takes time to build trust and friendship. Remember, this woman is going to play a significant role in your life for a long time - so that bond may naturally develop over the years, as life experiences bring you two together. And even if you never achieve that level of closeness - that's OK too. As long as a mutual respect exists and you can remain civil - your mother-in-law can play a positive role in your family life.

Mother-in-Law Woes - How to Make Amends With His Mom

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A Mother-in-Law Mindset

Of course there are ways and malicious mothers-in-law. But surely there are many more reflective, mother-in-law's care, sometimes unfairly maligned. I know dozens of interviews, that many, many women struggle to be successful mothers-in-law made us feel inadequate and disappointed.

If we complain about our mothers-in-law, it would be better because we too one day this title. What could be learned to prevent us from finding ourselves labeleda joke or a claim later in our lives?

Mom Joke

Our mothers-in-law can be healthy and helpful, but sometimes leave us perplexed. Here are seven observations to help us understand their behavior can be:

First understand the intense love we have for our children that we reject any perceived threats units. Our mothers-in-law feel that love for our spouse. He or she can be grown and gone, but still awesome love.

Crazy 2-make sure the behavior is oftencaused by fear, loneliness and insecurity. We can not treat these things in others, but when we become aware of the operation behind the scenes, we see that the behavior is not about us.

Third, we can not act on someone else, as we want, but we can clearly and consistently on our own needs and expectations. How do we set limits for our children, we can set limits for our mothers-in-law. To help in both cases, love and kindness.

4 is the narrative connective tissue. TellStories about what happens in our lives, create connections and intimacy. If we have a mother-in-law freeze out, because we care about their reactions, you can drive them to want to link paths, even a negative way, he finds it more.

Our partner is the fifth to make a clear, his mother, what can happen and what is not in the family. Explain what your family is not mine. It creates a healthy environment for employment and is better thanTensions cooking under the surface. We tell our partners: "I know that your mother does not feel terrible when I took him to be to have a successful marriage, but if they were allowed to bring discord into our home, you are not allow to help us succeed in this marriage. "

6 We all want love and respect. While mothers-in-law has the primary responsibility, respect, love and a daughter or son-in-law is bad, they also want to feel appreciated, and it hurtsmuch if one imagines that will not be accepted.

We rely on our mother-in-law heard advice 'if you say: "Thanks for trying to help me, I do not know if this is advice that will follow, but I realize that you care about me .." If the council does make us feel bad, you can say that too. "I know you want to help me, but if you tell me the best ways of doing things, I can hear everything, that somehow I'm not good enough. Maybe it's stupid, but I want you to know this is what happens, andthat is not useful to me. Love me enough to make me understand my mistakes and how to do better. "

If our mothers tell seventh-in-law something that probably should not feel stupid or offensive, but no, we do not need to answer ... or even remember. There is often a good idea to change the subject, look for the humor, laugh at our own follies. Sometimes it is better to let everything roll off our shoulders.

A Mother-in-Law Mindset

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How To Your Mother-In-Law Show was totally wrong about you

Before, I thought, "Mother-in-law" jokes were pretty stupid, that is, of course, until I made ​​one. A mother-in-law, that is. Now I have a full understanding of how these came to be jokes. I actually laugh now. In fact to say that I have a couple of them in those days.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that each of them has been around since the dawn of time on my mother-in-law wrote it all down.

Mom Joke

What has to do with the moneyyou might ask?

Most mothers want their children, even if the "child" is in his forties, very able to make good decisions. Especially when it comes to choosing a spouse.

In fact, many mothers do not think anyone really good for their son or daughter.

The odds are good that you are dealing with this. It makes no difference whether you are male or female. A mother-in-law is a mother-in-law. Period.

In most families the woman is"Treasurer Family". Now most women will tell you that it is because her husband "and not only does not want to do it." What you omit this phrase is: "... good enough to satisfy me." but this is a discussion for another day.

The dynamics between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is very different from that between a son-in-law and mother-in-law knows. I do not know why his way, I do not think I want to know but as the finances are usually handled bythe woman in the family, is the idea that things are not going well in the financial markets not only fuel for the fire. And 'Jet Fuel for the fire.

So if you are the treasurer of the family, and want to show that "their" wrong about pushing your "about", you should consider that the marriage partners to learn from you as you debt free. This step not only do your mother-in-law on your side, even if only for a moment or two, but also as follows:

Save thousands ofDollars.

Position yourself in retirement.

Improve cash flow.

Do not depend on Social Security and Medicare.

Do you have a better relationship with your spouse.

Afford to send your children to college.

Last but not least, you will be able to burn a mortgage before you burn your mother-in-law you can! If this is not reason enough, I do not know if I would be a seen one.

The benefits of financial success are easy to measure,but the benefit of the trial of a mother-in-law is WRONG immeasurable. Not to mention incredibly rewarding.

How To Your Mother-In-Law Show was totally wrong about you

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