Four Ways to Become a Great Mother-in-law

When my daughter got married I thought about buying her husband a book of mother-in-law jokes. After all, whenever you hear someone say "mother-in-law" you expect it to be accompanied with a loud groan. No, we don't have a good reputation in our culture, and probably for good reason. However, if you're a mother-in-law, or expect to be one someday, here are a few tips that might help you win the war against our common stereotype.

Be a Cheerleader.

Mom Joke

I think I have a terrific son-in-law and I tell people so. I'll let my co-workers, friends and family know how proud I am of David. I'll talk about how kind he is to my daughter and what a wizard he is as a business owner. One day I realized, though, that I wasn't telling Dave these things personally nearly enough. There's an old saying that goes, "If something is laudable, make sure it is audible". Now I make a conscious effort to tell him how wonderful I think he is, and how proud I am to have him as a son-in-law. We all know children need praise, but sometimes we forget that grown children still need to hear those good thoughts we have about them. It's even doubly important when you've married into a family. As a mother-in-law you have a great opportunity to be pick up your pom-poms and be captain of cheerleading for your family.

Be Switzerland.

"I don't know how you can put up with him. My son is such an idiot!" Honestly, those words are toned down from the actual ones I know one mother used when talking to her daughter-in-law. The marriage was on shaky ground anyway, at least in the daughter-in-law's eyes, and hearing such a venomous attack from her husband's own mother didn't help things. In fact within six months the wife had left and filed for divorced. "Really, my mother-in-law did have an influence on my decision to leave," the former wife told me. "When you hear a mother run down her own child like that, it really makes you think." I'm not saying that some couples shouldn't divorce - and certainly if there's poor treatment of either person in a marriage then someone is obligated to speak up. But as mothers-in-law we have to remember that we do have power to influence the young married couples in our family. If any of my children go through a divorce someday, I really want to make sure that my words weren't the tipping point on such a major life decision. If one of your grown children or their spouse come to you with complaints about the other, use caution, wisdom and prayer and do everything you can to be a positive voice, even in difficult times.

Make Listening an Art Form.

One thing I've noticed as my children have grown older is that they may not need me physically like they did when they were young, but they seem to need me even more emotionally and spiritually. I've spent many hours listening to stories of heartaches and struggles, and tried to offer words that would help soothe away tears. Mary Alice is about 20 years my elder and someone who has become my adopted mom as well as my friend. Mary is an exquisite listener. Whether on the phone or in person, when you talk to her you feel as though she is leaning in to listen closely to what you are saying. Often when you're done speaking about something she'll say, "Now this is what I think I heard you saying . . .", so she can be sure she understood you perfectly. Mary Alice practices "mindful availability", making sure her focus stays centered on the person talking and actively listening to what they say. In other words, Mary is the listening kind of mother we all want in our lives - someone whose concern is shown by the deep attention they give when you talk about your hopes, dreams and fears. When a person listens wholeheartedly, as my mom-friend does, you know they truly care about you, and that can bring much comfort and joy into your life. As a mother-in-law we have the opportunity to be both mother and friend to our children's spouses, and practicing the art of listening will help nurture that special kind of relationship.

Wear Rose Colored Glasses.

Niceness doesn't come naturally to me. In fact, there are too many times when my natural tendency is to look at the negative side of things, or to pick people's traits and habits apart and find them lacking. And for some stupid reason, I sometimes think it would be good to share my negative observations with others. I remember saying something critical once about a person one of my sons adored and immediately saw the look of stress and dejection in his face. Seeing his look gave me pause and made me reflect on the words that came out of my mouth. Yes, the girl might have a flaw or two, but I thought back to when I was young and I had her beat by a mile in the Have-a-Lot-to-Learn category. My focus on a small negative trait served no purpose at all. My father would have been disappointed that I had overlooked what he said to me a thousand times growing up - "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". We all have our quirks and idiosyncrasies. It's easy to overlook them in ourselves and our own children. There's absolutely no benefit in seeing others in a negative light, much less sharing those thoughts. Negativity can be addictive, and so now I always try to replace critical thoughts with several positive ones. Wearing rose-colored glasses can feel quite strange at first, but they're so worth wearing, especially for mothers-in-law.

My Goal.

One evening I was talking with a man at a Boy Scout meeting who mentioned he was going over to his mother-in-law's house the next day to do some repair work. I asked him if he minded the extra work. "Oh no!" was his quick answer. "I love my mother-in-law. She's just a wonderful person." What a blessing it would be if one day my own children's spouses thought so highly of me. Wouldn't it be nice to dispel all those old mother-in-law jokes, and have a son or daughter-in-law that bragged about how lucky they are to have you in their life? With our hearts in the right place and some practice of positive traits, I have no doubt we all can.

Four Ways to Become a Great Mother-in-law

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